For a long time, absolutely nothing was happening.
There was simply an eternal void stretching throughout infinity. This void wasn’t black, it wasn’t white. It wasn’t anything at all. You couldn’t really call it empty, because there was not a container to be empty.
And actually, it’s incorrect to say this went on for a long time because time is a thing (and things did not yet exist).
Anyways, this nothingness just kind of went about its nonexistence. It was a total mind-fuck.
Then in an instant, and for no apparent reason, the universe suddenly sprang into existence. This is that Big Bang you’ve heard so much about. A point containing everything that was (or would ever be) expanded, cooled, and condensed into particles. These particles got together in mind-boggling numbers to form suns and planets and moons.
Miraculously, carbon-based lifeforms began percolating through Earth’s oceans. The blind blobs of amoeba life sprouted eyes and tails, and then one day a fish crawled onto land. Before you knew it apes had harnessed the power of fire and created ad agencies capable of dreaming up a thing as ghastly as the McDonald’s Playplace.
That’s about when I showed up.
I took on the daunting task of stumbling through this great mystery with some semblance of grace and the ambition to also make a little sense out of things along the way.