For a very long time, absolutely nothing was happening.
There was simply a vast and eternal void stretching throughout infinity. This void wasn’t black, it wasn’t white - it wasn’t anything at all. You couldn’t even call it empty, because there was no a container to be empty. And actually, it is incorrect to say this went on for a very long time because time is a thing and, if you recall, things did not yet exist.
In this way, an eternal nothingness just kind of went about it’s nonexistence. It was a total mind-fuck.
Then, in an instant and for no apparent reason, the universe sprang into existence. This is that Big Bang you have heard so much about. And after it happened, things became somewhat less paradoxical, much easier to write about, and absolutely no less miraculous.
A point containing everything that was (or would ever be) expanded, cooled, and condensed into particles. These particles formed atoms that got together in mind boggling numbers to create suns, planets, and moons.
Somehow, carbon-based life forms began percolating through Earth’s oceans. The blind blobs of amoeba life eventually sprouted eyes and tails, and one day a fish crawled onto land. Before you knew it apes had harnessed the power of fire and the rest is, well, history.
Around the time these apes had created marketing departments capable of dreaming up a thing as ghastly as the McDonald’s Playplace, I showed up.
Fortunately, my parents had carved out an oasis of relative sanity in the foothills of Colorado, which is precisely where my small part in this cosmic drama picked up. And where I took on the daunting task of stumbling through this great mystery with some semblance of grace and the ambition to also make a little sense out of things along the way. I’m still at it today.