The Shareholders Demanded Strong Q3 Profits

You know the dream where you’re falling, maybe it’s out of an airplane or off a bridge, and you wake up just before impacting the ground? The other day I had one of these dreams, except that I actually hit the ground, and died. 

There was no going towards the light. Frankly, the afterlife was a total letdown. Suddenly I was just sitting on the bench seat of a shuttle van. There were a bunch of other folks too, also recently deceased I presume. We were packed into a Ford Econoline like sardines. 

Through the smudged passenger side window was a sea of similar vans, a few stray commuters, and a towering skyline in the distance rising out of the smog. Our driver honked several times, gave a Hyundai Tucson the finger, then merged into the HOV lane. 

This was hardly the heaven I had in mind. Purgatory, perhaps?

“Ladies and gentleman,” a pre-recorded female voice said through the speaker system. “Thank you for choosing Odyssey Shuttle Lines. Before we reach your final destination, we’d like to notify you about a very special offer. For the month of November, you’ll receive 0% introductory APR and 7,500 bonus points when applying for our Signature Visa card. 

Looming above the motorway was a Coca-Cola billboard that pictured an African American woman bringing an ice cold can of Coke to her lips. Big bold lettering proclaimed Taste Life.

That’s when I figured it out. Yes, corporate America had once again outdone itself. In a quest for market share and fueled by eager investors, it seemed that capitalism had expanded into a lucrative emerging market: the afterlife. 

Either that, or I just went straight to hell.

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